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Glad for what we've got, done with what we've lost, our whole lives laid out right infront of us [Friday December 4th, 2009 2:27pm] My last post was roughly 23 weeks ago... and MY how things have changed throughout the year. It seems like a whirl wind and sometimes I wonder how I got here so quickly. How at 19 I feel like I have almost (yes, almost, I'm definetly not saying life isn't perfect) everything I could ever want. Vyc has just bursted into this whole DJ thing. He's booking gigs, planning parties and it seems like it's just one after another. He's showing how reliable he is and it's crazy to me how many people want to work with him/his people skills. And he's doing so well! This year he's done... Frost, Double Bouble, Good VS. Evil, Diskoteka, Fallen, Riley's Halloween party, another party and there's more on the way! It's been so much fun and it's just the begining. I couldn't be more proud and excited. I love how many friends come out and have a good time. I love working the door with him, being the one standing next to him, watching him succeed. I love HIM. It's almost scary how much, but we've come such a long way. When I look back, we weren't lookin' so good... But now it's like we complete eachother. Like we're the same person. I've never believed in "soul mates" but I swear this must be meant. I know, MUSHEY GUSHEY entry!! Sorry, haha. I've just never felt so complete with someone. Anyways! Other aspects of life... -I've changed my major to PHARMACEUTICALS. It's going to be a bitch, but you gotta do what you gotta do to make a living. -I've been SO sick lately, this swine flu thing is for real... been in bed for three/four days. -Vyc's 21st birthday was the other day!!! I've never been so drunk in my life, I don't remember specific details on some things of that night... other than it was amazing! I went to the club (secretly) and decorated with balloons, banners and a wall for people to write on, got Vyc then we went back to the club to set up. SO many people showed and it was such a good time hanging out at the bar, dancing on the floor, and up in VIP by my baby spinning. It felt like an entourage up there and was so much fun. The best part about this whole Blizzard Detroit thing... I love the family. I know Vyc and his friends are always there to protect me. I was so drunk when I needed to go get Vyc's birthday cake and all of the boys came to help. It means so much to have that respect and care. After the party most of us went to Clocks Coney at like 3am to sober up. HILARIOUS. For like 1/2 hour Vyc just looked at the menu without reading it. The next day Vyc and I went to Mosaic in greektown. AMAZING food, fancy layout and Vyc could leagally drink! Ahhhh. Then we went to his house for a huge family dinner. I really love them, they're so sweet and make me feel welcome. -My uncle, who is mentally challanged, moved in after losing both of my grandparents and that's taken some getting used to. There's been so many adjustments in this small house and... we're still getting used to it. I'm rarely home so it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I can't really think of anything else. This entry isn't exactly what I hoped for, I hoped to be more organized and flow better, but I just that just goes to show how crazy/hectic/busy life has been lately. Scattered, but living it up. I'm hopeful. Wanna be rad!

We used to play our favorite songs until the first sign of a new day. [Sunday July 5th, 2009 10:30pm] [ music | DJ Ukraine (AKA my boyfriend)'s new track: Falcon ] SO, first update in awhile and so much has happened I'd like to take note of in my life. Where do I even start? Breast Cancer walk- Meghann, my best friend since I was 4 told me her mom, who has been like my OWN since I was 4, had breast cancer. With high spirits and sadness for someone we love so much, she had the great idea to get friends and family to walk the Komen walk in Detroit. I even got my grandma into it. I woke up at 5AM to a huge cup of coffee then headed to gma/Meg's. We got to Comerica, which was decorated in pink. All off Woodward was filled with pink balloons, signs, banners, ribbons, everything. After an hour or so of walking around the 95.5 station, McDonalds, Panera, etc. and getting free knick knacks we started the walk. What hit me the most was seeing people with shirts of a picture of their lost ones with "Walking in memory of..."over it. Sometimes I forget how deadly this cancer can be. It seems so simple: shrink it, take it out and you're good... but this was a huge reality check. It made me so thankful we still and WILL have Meghann's mom. She's not going anywhere and is so lucky. SO many people showed up and it was beautiful to see and be apart of. I felt I accomplished something and plan to do it every year. But unfortunetly not everyone can defeat the battle of cancer... one of my best friends from high school recently told me her mother passed. I've met her several times, including when she was undergoing treatment and from what I remember, she was so lively, outgoing and sweet. What's saddest is that I can't believe this is happening to one of the best people I know. She's such a good person and doesn't deserve to lose anyone in her life, let alone her mother. I know she'll do fine though, as she's held it up together VERY well. I went to the funeral with tons of bagels for the family and was, luckily, surrounded by good/old friends (who i've missed). It wasn't until our friends speech when the tears came. It felt impossible to hold back, but I for sure wasn't alone. It was almost too hard to sit through. To sit and hear her pain... it gave me that... dry swallow a big pill and it's stuck in the middle of your throat, want to cry out like a baby and gasp for breath kind of thing. It was so hard to be strong for a moment. But i'd do anything for this girl and being there for her was more important than anything at that moment. Her brother talked about how random acts of paying it forward and kindness will always remind him his mother was till there. I thought: it's funny how funerals can bring your faith in the world back, even at an unsetteling time... Later that day I found that faith. I lost a brand new wallet, with my debit card, balance of the card, gift card, gym card, license, etc. At first I wasn't worried, till it wasn't at Vyc's, where I was sure it was. I went to Rite Aid, the last place I knew I had it. At that moment I was starting to think it COULD be stolen, but tried to keep positive... so I did something I usually never do. I prayed. I told God I was putting all my faith in him that it would turn up and was stolen and I was SO sure I'd find it at the store. I continued over and over and over again letting God know I was giving all the faith in my heart to him. AND IT WASN'T THERE. It was then that I panicked and got really mad. I went back to Vyc's and was dialing my debit card place to tell them it had been stolen when my mom called me. "Lose something?" she asked. I was so confused 'cause I know it wasn't at home. Some woman found it and turned it into the police station! She didn't take, or even LOOK inside the zippers! And the fact that she went out of her way to take it to the police... it's so surprising that in a world that's gone so bad you'll still find honest, GOOD people. I'm unable to contact her, which pisses me off. I'd love to give her money, buy her lunch, SOMETHING so she knows her act of kindness isn't going unnoticed. She could've had a shopping spree but she chose to do the right thing. I can't believe it and I can't believe my faith brought me good fortune. I've never been super religious... but this is amazing. I am so thankful and greatful and hope to pay it forward in the same way. So Micheal Jackson died. This, honestly, is a moment I never want to forget. A legend is gone and the world's response was OUTRAGEOUS and memorable. I'll never forget what I did the day MJ died because it was THAT displayed in the media. You couldn't, and still can't, do anything without seeing or hearing him. Every channel, every station, they're talking about MJ. It's CRAZY. And yes, he was a child molester. But I understand why some people are going as far as crying. With music, there's this connection... especially with someone as famous as him with hits coming out of his ass. You remember where you were the first time you heard a song, who you were kissing, who you just broke up/got dumped with... you turn to music when life is either bad or good and you create a connection with the artist as though they made it for you and for your mood. I just get it, and in that aspect I respect him and will always remember the loss of this legend. In fact, I was just at my gma's, showing them my iPod. She goes "I like the old players better". Then I tried to remember when the last time she listened to music or cared to hear the latest of her favorite singer. I can't, she can't... and that scares me. I NEVER want to grow up or too old to where music is not a priority in my life. Where it's not the mood break or maker of my days. Where Blink 182's "Action" doesn't put a smile on my face remembering hanging out in the basement in 8th grade with all my best friends. Or Oceanlab's "Satellite" doesn't melt my heart thinking about times at the loft and the escaping feeling of just being there, listening to that song. Or even now, searching for new songs that will have the same effect. Getting old has been scaring the shit out of me lately. I want to live my life as much as I can. I only have this body, this lack of bills, these many friends, opportunities and TIME for so long. I never want to waste my days anymore... I'm gonna stay 18 forever. Wanna be rad!

Life [Wednesday May 27th, 2009 12:06am] Things have sucked lately. I've gotten so down on myself for the way my life turned out. I should at some university, making friends, memories and new experiences for myself. But I'm stuck in the same place, with the stresses of work and home and the only people I have to go to are Carissa, who has her own problems and doesn't deserve me throwing my own at her, and Vyc, who I always seem to take it out on and create a fight with over my pent up anger. That's it: Carissa and Vyc. Wow. Two friends. Pathetic. It makes transitioning from high school to college so hard. High school was safe, comfortable, easy, HOME. I was friends with all types of crowds, EVERYONE, and always had something to do. Now it's work, school, one night with Carissa to watch OTH, movie and sleepover at Vyc's and that's it! That's my life. I'm 18 and THAT is what I do every week. It's never exciting, there's never a reason to be happy to wake up, it's dull, plain, meaningless. Until recently. I pushed everyone and everything away. Friends, family, Vyc, softball, everything because I was so unhappy. And I mean REALLY pushed away. Haven't talked to my best friend in weeks, didn't  care what happend to Vyc and I and kept yelling at my mom when she'd talk to me. After having the billionth fight with Vyc about my constant attitude he let me let everything out and just cry, knowing I've botteled so much up. After that night he has been SO amazing. WE'VE been amazing. I mean, i've never been so happy in a relationship and I know I am the luckiest girl in the world to have this boy. He is so selfless, he puts me first and it's insane to me! I don't even do that for him! It's amazing. It's so hard for me to say sorry but he does it constantly AND puts up with me. I could go on and on and on, but I'm just going to leave it at that. ANYWAYS. He assured me things would change and he'd help me get back on track and he's kept to that promise, which is even more amazing. This weekend we... -Went to St. Mary's fair where I finally could go in the casino tent! Vyc taught me how to play craps, which I am now in love with and I wont like 14 bucks. He won me this BIG huskey stuffed animal :] What a gentleman. And I won him a stupid little Panda one. I won a fish! But the bag was broke, water fell and it was pretty much a fish in a bag which had me so depressed that the little guy would die so I gave it back. -Next day was DEMF!!!! We met up Tony, listened to Seoul, who is not only a great DJ but a friend of Vyc's who rolled through Frost. (I know, I know, I'm bragging lol) I don't think it was as good this year but it was till fun. The best was Benny Benassi. He has so much energy and truley loves what he does. I see that in Vyc which makes me KNOW he's going  to be on those stages some day. I love that he's brought me into his life and has introduced me to new things. I seriously listened to the music, felt the beat and looked up at the night's sky feeling so alive. It's amazing that something as simple as pieced together noises can do so much. And then there were those moments where, as Vyc said, were just me and him. When all these things were surrounding us: lights, music, people, but I could stand there with the boy I love in the middle of it all and kiss him. Like the world was ours or something. I love that he can take me to a place like that. And I don't mean to sound tripy or just speaking of DEMF, but emotionally. It was so romantic. We went to Pizza Papalis and sat on the footsteps of the loft, walking the same walk we always did a year ago this time. I miss it so much. I've talked so much about how those were some of my greatest memories. But I know there will be even better to come. I was happy to end the night sleeping next to the love of my life after an amazing weekend. I'm so much more confident with our relationship and I know this is someone I don't want to can't lose. TODAY I got to hang out with Jared, which, really I haven't done much of (as usual). I FINALLY went to Hookah Joe's and we tried some strawberry banana. It was really good talking with him, I feel we so rarely do. It's always quick or surrounding other people but today it was just my bestie, me, hookah and some good conversation. 1000 Wanna be rad!

[Sunday February 15th, 2009 10:42pm] I can't take all of this anymore. Especially all at once. I want to quit everything in my life, school, work, all that and just focus on being happy again. Be a kid again where all of this is just an episode on Full House or something. I want to feel safe again. Wanna be rad!

[Thursday February 5th, 2009 8:48pm] So I was thinking as the year goes by i'd update interesting things that have happened to me for the first time this year, then at the end of the year bring it all back up into one entry to remind myself of the new things I've done. SO. Grandpa died. Got pulled over 3 times in one week. Got 2 tickets in one week. Sat in the back of a Charger police car. Was told I would be arrested. Got out of going to jail and 2 tickets in one cop visit. WHEW. An eventful '09 so far. 2000 Wanna be rad!

My grandpa died. [Tuesday February 3rd, 2009 1:46pm] I woke up to my grandma's voice on the answering machine. At such an early hour I was unable to make out what she was saying. But somehow I knew. I knew she called to say someone has passed. At first I thought it was my ill aunt, I was sure of it. Not long after my mom called my cell phone over and over, leaving messages. I knew then it was more serious. I haven't seen my grandpa since the seventh grade. He wasn't the best man which is why my mom pushed him away from our family. But all in all he was still my grandfather and I only knew him as such. Treating me like a princess, giving me anything and everything I'd want and letting me make my own rules. If he was nothing more than a bad man atleast I know in my heart he was a good grandfather. My mom easily opened up to me her puzzeled thoughts. She didn't know how to react. I felt guilty feeling any amount of sadness to a man who hurt her so much, so I hid my tears. We knew he was going to die. He's told us for years he was dying but we always saw it as an excuse to rekindle our family. That's where the guilt sank in. He was nothing but good to me and he died without his only grandchild in his life. With a grudge over his head and regrets in his heart. No one should leave this world like that, not even the worst of men. We drove up north, where he had always lived. When I was a kid there was nothing more I loved than visiting the small towns he'd lived in and the peaceful drive up. I used to lay in the backseat of my mom's car on the way there or back home, looking out the window at the constant passing of trees and stars and felt nothing but safety and warmth. But this time as I lay in the trunk of the SUV there were no stars. I could barely make out the trees in the night. There was nothing but darkness and the dim light of my iPod. Memories flooded my mind of my grandfather. Trips, houses, Christmases. The "steps", the machine car we drove down the stairs, dressing up like Santa, Shirly Temple, camping, so many memories. Then we went to his house. And I could smell him again. And it was all so much more real that he was gone. His funeral was strictly family only. Every single one of us shared the same phrase, "I haven't seen you in like, 10 years!". It was hardest seeing my uncle David who looks identical to my grandfather. But the greatest part was finally making peace with everyone. I think in a way we made peace with my grandpa as well, as his wife implied.  On the drive home I felt empty. I looked out the window at the constant trails of snow. The sparkling white sheet was untouched and beautiful laying over the dead grass. It was symbolic to me that something so beautiful could be above the dead. As I spoke with my family on the 2 and a half hour drive home I was happy to close this chapter in my life. Happy to say goodbye to that family, up north and my grandpa. I'd like to add my gratefulness to those there for me. Unconditionally I had my best friend there for me with hugs, laughs, food and advice. As always I had my pink shoe to help me through it, tears and all.    1000 Wanna be rad!

I am obsessed with hating myself. [Saturday January 17th, 2009 1:18am] I've spent roughly two hours comparing myself to others, as opposed to the other 22 hours a day I normally do so. Reviewing flaws I have with myself, and jokes or comments from others that seem to be overlooked by the person mentioning them. I mean, even if it's my cousins at work saying something like "you're stupid," because I didn't do something right, I have similar doubts in myself concerning what they're saying to me, so when they say something like that I think about it! Like, "Hm, am I? I think the same about myself, they do too, maybe I am stupid." I could go on with a million different examples. Fat, uninterested, not caring enough, not attentive enough, quick enough, friendly enough, supportive enough, just never enough.  And I could probably kill myself with changes but I don't think anyone would notice. So maybe, really, it's just me not doing a good enough job, and again, not being good enough. Either way, it's like I like to torture myself by comparision. I look at what I don't have or people who have been more influencial in my loved one's lives than me and I start to hate myself. I feel undeserving and as if I'll never be that or better. It's an addiction. I do it with every boyfriend, co-worker, family member and few friends. It's a new year and I'm all about fixing any problems I have with myself. So I guess acceptance is just one strong step to overcoming addiction... 1000 Wanna be rad!

[Wednesday December 31st, 2008 12:25pm] Someone once told me that a year is only time, but memories are something else... and if that is true, if this life is really only measured by the memories that you make... then I guess I have a lot to be thankful for. This year I... -Served my last year on the Scriptor as the Opinion Editor. -Graduated -With a huge grad party following it. -Went to my last prom -And had a huge party after it. -Started my first year of college. -Said goodbye to a lot of my friends who went away to school -And later visited them. -Went to Warped Tour with my best friend -And met our favorite bands, such as A Cursive Memory :] -Went to the Detroit Electronic Music Festival with my boyfriend and a ton of our friends. -Went storm chasing with Vyc, Deborah and J. -Watched a man try to jump off a building in Greektown for 6 hours streight with Vyc & roommates. -Helped my boyfriend move out of his loft -And carried his 52' plasma up and down stairs... yay me. -Went to my first night club for my bday -And got porn as a gift... thanks Carissa! -Got my first ticket(s). -Went to court for the first time. -Made up my own curfew. -Went to Mexico -And got drunk with my parents. -Got over a big relationship. -Learned to fall in love again -And yes, fell in love again. -Danced in the middle of the street at 2AM. -Pulled over to take a picture with a toilet. -Sat courtside at the Pistons game with Vyc & our friends -And met Kat Williams there. -Got a second job at Abercrombie & Fitch. -Helped fix up and open a NEW/Second Hellnic Coney Island. -Helped my friend fix up her OWN house. and let's see, what else... What did you do for Valentine's Day? went to Brio with Victor. Did you have to go to the hospital? no Did you have any encounters with the police? lots. Where did you go on vacation? myrtle beach and mexico. What did you purchase that was over $500? nothing, but i spent much more than that. What sporting events did you attend? pistons & tigers game with vyc. What concerts/shows did you go to? DEMF & Warped. Describe your birthday: at midnight went to the beach with vyc, got hair done, went to bdubs w/ Vyc, Brad, Carissa and Ted then met up with Erica, Christie, Christina and Melissa at Tiki Bob's then spent the night with my baby. What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008? graduated, hah. got another job. tons of stuff. What has/have been your favorite moment(s)? time spent at the loft with the greatest friends and boyfriend and random activities we'd do in greektown. those were some of the greatest moments in my life let alone this past year. I'd also have to say graduation. I've never been so proud of MYSELF. Any new additions to your family? Paige Summer, my new cousin. What was your best month? june. Who has been your best drinking buddy? Carissa and Erica. Good times :] Made new friends? lots between meeting my boyfriend's friends and work people. Favorite Night out? oh god, too many to name. my birthday, nights to bagley's with Deb, J and Vyc, bonfires with them at Dave's, so so many. What do you want to change in 2009? make even more friends, start making my dream a reality, get closer to friends and family, save more money and continue to have fun. Have any life changes in 2008? graduation and transitioning from high school to college. Get a new job? abercrombie and fitch. How old did you turn this year? eighteen. Did anything embarrassing? plenty of things that i can laugh about. Are you happy to see 2008 go? I look back on it as one of the best years of my life. Maybe the best so far... I'm sad in a way to see it go, but excited for the years to come to continue growing up and seeing where life takes me. Drank Starbucks in 2008? there was a point where i drank coffee 5 days a week every week... Been naughty or nice? gotta say, naughtier than usual. Goodbye '08. It's been amazing. 1000 Wanna be rad!

[Saturday November 8th, 2008 11:45pm] I got a job at Abercrombie which is great for me right now. I absolutly HATE Hellenic lately and am growing more and more anxious to get out of all that hostility. Plus, considering the fact i'm absolutely broke for the first time in about two years, I need this. I got too carried away with the money I was making and made some bad choices. Now I feel like I'm in such a rut. Whenever I go to an ATM I get this gut wrenching feeling like I'm a failure and screwed myself over. Then I think, Christmas is coming up... oh joy. Since when does a kid dread Christmas? Atleast I can look forward to Mexico. I need a vacation! Yay for first black presidents. ... and anyone besides Bush. 1000 Wanna be rad!

holding on to feel the same. [Tuesday August 19th, 2008 12:40am] For some reason today just happened to be a slap in the face. I've been looking through facebook, looking at everyone's "last days of summer" and "countdown to college" albums... It really makes me feel like I've been and will be missing out. I've worked my ass off this summer for absolutely nothing. It's every fucking day I'm just working working working and I hate it. I haven't seen the friends I know i'll miss and will most likely drift from. Hell, people have tried to hang out but I've been so fucking busy! I look at pictures thinking, I should've been there.. I wish I'd had been there. Jenny's already fucking gone to school and I haven't hung out with her much, if at all this summer... and that was a BEST friend... WHAT THE FUCK?! Like... I'm just so lost. I hate this. I seriously hate this. I'm so mad at myself for working harder. If I put my fucking head into it I could've gotten into a good school and not feel like this. I'M IN THE SAME FUCKING PLACE. I'll continue to work at Hellenic and will see EVERYONE from high school, they all go there for lunch and/or work with me! So it's like I'm not moving forward WHATSOEVER. I feel like such an idiot, such a failure.. I just miss everyone so much and they're all leaving :[ And I wish I spent my summer differently. I HATE work. I HATE IT. I saw Meghann ONCE, feels like I've seen Carissa only 5 or 6 times... I feel so weak. And my BIRTHDAY is coming up. I should be happy. But it's all so scary. Everyone seems to know I'm afraid of change, I HATE it. I'm going to be an adult, I'm going to have to make choices, give a shit, pay close attention, work the same fucking amount i'm working now to get by! I know this birthday will be meaningless and it's like.. it's the big 1-8, it should be amazing. But I have no money.. my boyfriend has no money... there's not going to be the perfect gift or the perfect night out or even a birthday cake! I know, I sound so mellow dramatic, no birthday cake, oh my god... but that's just what makes a birthday special and it signifies that this birthday is going to suck because i'm growing up and everything is changing and it sucks, IT SUCKS, i'm ranting and I don't give a fuck. i'm no joke taking a month off work to be my old self again. to spend time with friends, go to their school and have fun. i missed out on this summer. for nothing. for no money. no fun. just misurey. i cant stop crying and don't know what to do to make it better... but this ranting helped just a little. Wanna be rad!

For blue blue skies, I forgive you. [Thursday August 7th, 2008 12:56am] I'm so confused. Wanna be rad!

Now I'm just bored... [Wednesday August 6th, 2008 2:54am] Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips? yes'm. Did you have a good day yesterday? it was ok, worked a lot, but got to see Carissa. Have you ever dated someone older than yourself? yes Was last New Years enjoyable? not at all. Have you ever broken someone's heart? maybe. Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning? Night Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? I hope not! Were you happy when you woke up today? somewhat, I didn't want to work. Do you hate the last person you kissed? no! i absolutely love him. Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? yes Have you ever said you would never love again? no. Is there something you wanna let go of? my job! ugh. What's something that annoys you? asshole customers. Have you ever said I love you but you lied? yes Would you ever want to go back in the past? probably not. i like how things are so i wouldn't dabble into that. Do you really want to please everybody? sometimes. Have you heard a song that reminds you of anyone today? wonderwall reminded me of going to the hardrock with amber, kurtis and vyc<33 Do you listen to love songs when you're down? yes, always. Do you say sorry first? sometimes. i hate admitting i'm wrong. Has someone promised you something and broke it? many many times What will you do tomorrow? work Are you wearing a necklace, and if so, who got it for you? no Do you like your name? sure Are you alone? right now? yes What is the last thing you ate? tbell Last time you were at the playground? a week or two ago with victor<33 Fancy restaurants, diners, or fast food? restraurants or fast food. Who is the last person you IMed? i don't even remember. What did you do yesterday? worked then saw carissa. Does the thought of marriage scare you? no, i can't wait. Have you ever been in a cave? nope Last thing you drank? cherry pepsi Would you rather sky dive or bungee jump? sky dive How are you feeling today? right now, sleepy and missing victor and excited for the weekend Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes Are you excited for anything? when my parents are out of town. BEER PONG TOURNEY! Who were you with last night around 9:00pm? Carissa Do you like Mexican food? love Everything happens for a reason? i think so... When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friend? yesterday Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust? oh yeah Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do? yes yes yes. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? ummmmm... Has anyone ever broken your heart? yep Where did you sleep last night? my bed Are you happy right now? yep What color are your eyes? change color Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl? nah Do you have any scars? don't think so. Relationships or one night stand? relationshipsssssss A person that you miss? victor. 1000 Wanna be rad!

So I'll just ramble... [Wednesday August 6th, 2008 2:24am] I guess I should try to start this entry off in order of how this summer has panned out so far. Well... I did it. I honestly was nervous I wouldn't for awhile but I pulled it off. I graduated. And I must say, June 1st 2008 was, so far, one of my most proudest days. Graduation rehersal somewhat made everything sink in. We sat there, no longer students, but adults. We were never silenced or threatened to be silenced, but we were expected to behave as adults. We did our final walk through Groves which brought up so many emotions, passing each inch of the school... so many memories. I remembered feeling so lucky to go to such a privilaged school. Meeting new friends, meeting my first real love, falling asleep in class, sneek out spots in the school, remembering my first tour of Groves, being a sophomore in French class with Jenny, fearing senior year. Well... I can honestly say that year was my best yet. It was filled with the greatest memories filled with accomplishment and side by side with friends. I'm happy to be able look back and remember high school in the best ways. Prom, party bus, party, not partying after homecoming, TWL day, EVERYTHING with newspaper, dodgeball, school store, skipping, going to Hellenic for lunch, meeting Carissa for lunch, Mr. Smith obsessions, and even outside of school. I had the greatest time doing stupid random shit with my best friends my last true year of being a kid. I lived it well. Then adulthood came quick. I got my first ticket! Went to myrtle beach which was AMAZING, got to play with baby tigers, monkeys, wolves, bearcat, owl, elephant. It was a great once in a lifetime experiece. I helped Vyc move out of the loft. Change has always been an emotional thing for me so I was, and still am a little sad to leave the loft and greektown. There were so many amazing memories there; DEMF, Nikki's, Fishbones, Pizza Papalis, Coldstone, watching horrible Monty Python movies, seeing Dave cook, Cookie, watching a guy try to jump of a crane for four hours, watching thunderstorms from the river, chillin' at the river, getting drunk and sick, playing N64. It will always be in my memory. In a way it was like... a home away from home. I miss it so much but am happy Vyc's back home. It's gotten me a lot closer to his family and adorable little sister who I almost love just as much as I do Vyc. Moving was a BITCH and I'm proud to say I moved a '52 inch plasma TV. Luckily the roomates still keep in touch, the other day Vyc and I went to Dave's HUGE, amazing house and played some beerpong with him, his sister and Sam. It's been a nice summer with the boy. Falling in looove and what not :] Although it SUCKS being a love and having to work ALL the time. Because two girls are gone I have to work three weeks straight. I guess it's good, I'll make money but jeesh... Atleast I got to have some fun with my bestie at Warped Tour. We kind of just decided abruptly "ok, let's go." and it went from there. We got autographs, pics, TWL swag, it was amazing! Besides loosing our flip flops and me laying in a random guys sweaty back... omg, it was sick but so worth it. We saw The Color Fred, AVA, Say Anything, ACM, Gym Class Heroes. Ugggh AVA was great even though Tom's mic cut out. I want to see them again soon! School's coming. I took my enterance test and felt like a big girl doing it all by myself :] I can't wait to start, I hope I'll take it seriously, but I'm almost sure I wont get most of my classes... hmmm... oh well, I'd be down to take a year off. Although I know by doing that I'd have no motivation to go back... We'll see. For now I'm just makin' and savin' the bread from busting my ass at Hellenic. I've been seriously thinking about starting to write a book based on all the bull shit I see and go through working at a restaurant. Hey, I want to be a writer so why not start with what I know? Haha. I forgot to mention my grad party! Guess I'm not really going in order... It rained, no, POURED in the morning. I was praying for it to stop, then my grandma put a roseary on a bush and by god, I swear it cleared up. The tables, chairs and moon bounce were an hour late which was a DISASTER but it all turned out very nicely. TONS and TONS of food, good times with friends, loved the moon bounce, nice gifts, Erica and John got my mom tostey... it was nice :] I love writing in LJ. It reminds me of the good things throughout all stresses. Wanna be rad!

I'm a thief, I stole this from Cmay. [Monday July 14th, 2008 12:40am] Summer Confessions So far this summer have you... Seen an ex? Yes, at work. Told someone I love you? My luvvvahhhh. Cried? Yes. Wanted someone you couldn't have?? I'm stealing Carissa's answer, "I have that someone i want =]" Been to the beach? myyyrrrrtttllleeeee Stayed up all night? yess, stupid boyfriend :] Went shopping? lots Been out of state? south carolinia! Went swimming? yes, first swim of the summer was in the ocean Been hit on? yes Been asked out? as of june 2nd :] <33 Asked someone out? i'm old fashion, i don't do the asking out. Gotten in a car with a stranger? um... actually, i think so! Lost someone close? not this summer. Had someone sleep in your bed? tiger aaalways sleeps in my bed. Been to a club? No, that's neeext months adventure. Been grounded? nope Ran? yes, ugh regret something? maybe. i try not to regret though, it's all a learning experience. Lied? Again, stealing Carissa's answer, "Doesn't everyone?" Been camping? not yet but hope soon! Got in a fight? verbal. Stayed at a hotel? yes :] Flirted with someone? My boy Skinny dipped? not yet! Gone to a concert? No, but hopefully i will go to Warped Tour! Streaked? not.. yet? haha Almost died? No, but i'm sure if i DID almost die, carissa would be there to laugh at me as i'm on the ground begging her to call 911... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, CMAY.... Met a celebrity? an old boxer came to my work, tommy something and almost drove the ilitch daughters and chris chelios home! Kissed someone? Only my favorite lips :* Do you have a bf/gf? Victor Samuel, my fox! If your heart is racing, who are you standing next to? Boy. Do you think your ex still likes you? as a friend, perhaps but we're very content with how things ended up and are happier with our lives now. in his words, "we had something good but we've moved on to greener pastures" How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? tons, but not enough :]<33333 Are you easily scared by horror movies? I WILL NOT WATCH SCARRY MOVIES.Answer your question? Do you still turn to your parents for advice or comfort? Oh yeah! I always turn to my step dad, he's always there to root me on and has my best interest at heart. He's very comforting and takes stress away. My mother, however is straight forward, slaps reality in my face, which sometimes is the greatest help. Have you ever been in a difficult relationship? isn't every relationship in a way have its difficulties? Have you ever punched a tree? um.. no? why would i? Anyone on your mind? boyfriend! i miss him already :[ If someone gave you 100 dollars, would you spend or save it? spend! Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating? yess How much older than you is the last person that kissed you? 2 yrs Are you currently happy with your relationship status? VERY, falling in love is the best feeling one can experience. Do you find the opposite sex confusing? oh yeah When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? no, i hit snooze then when i know i'm up i turn it off Is it hard for you to get over someone? someone, some things, yes. only things that meant a lot to me. Have you had alcohol this week? no! wtf? What was the last thing you argued about with your gf/bf or crush? um.. probably this whole moving to florida ordeal. lucky we haven't fought lately so i don't remember! Ever passed out because of alcohol? one time, and oooh my god, never again! i love you amber for rubbing my stumach, holding my hair and giving me a pillow in the bathroom of the loft. What were you doing at 9 this morning? sleeping. Can you admit when you're wrong? Sometimes haha Wanna be rad!

[Friday June 27th, 2008 7:42pm] I just bought a new itouch and am in love with it. Not to mention am using it right now. So a little update on life cause I'm bored and waiting for jared to meet me... Just graduted, I'm working more which is nice. I like the money n its better than school LOL. Vgc and I are together, mom n I just went to myrtle beach n j is here so I'll update more later. 1000 Wanna be rad!

i'd stop the world and melt with you [Monday June 9th, 2008 12:26am] Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? sure, why not. Where were you last night? work What is today's date? June 9th 2008 Who was the last person to call you baby/babe? Victorrrrr  <3 When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout? if i can. Anyone crushing on you? mah boy. What is your relationship status? taken. Has anyone ever sang to you? yes. Has anyone ever given you roses? tons. If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? not a chance. Who do you text the most? boyfriend. How do you make your money? waiting and serving people good ass food. First person to text today? the very first person who texted me today was either meg, j, carissa or vyc. What is your favorite color? green and blue What color are your eyes? change, usually brown. What is a compliment you receive often? i'm nice :] How tall are you? 5'6ish Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Victor Samuel, 7:22. Do you like your parents? chyes. more often than not, anyways. Do you secretly like someone? it's not much of a secret. Why did your last relationship end? we just couldn't keep it together. we had a good run, but it was time to go our separate ways. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? carissa Where is the furthest place you've traveled? greece Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep? eattt- i love food! Do you look more like your mom or your dad? madre How long does it take you to shower? 30+ Can you do splits? naah Are you flexible? i'd say so What did you do on New Years Eve? took sleeping pills and crashed.  Was your mom there? i have no idea. Can you speak any other language than English? some greek and french What is the last letter of your middle name? e How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 10 maybe. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? always. Are you scared of flying? nope. What do you sleep in? depends on the weather. shorts, sweats, undies, tshirt. Who was the last person you kissed? victor. Do you like funny people or serious people? both! depends on the mood. What are you listening to? the t.v. What jewelry do you wear all the time? usually ring or necklace. What do you have planned for tonight? sleep. Is the last person you kissed older than you? yes Do you prefer myspace or socialsplash? i've never heard of socialsplash. Do you have a favorite item of clothing? they're all fav's. Do you like messages or comments better? comments Last movie you saw in theaters? IRON MAN. What was last thing you drank? coke. Are you happy right now? yes, a little cranky though. If you could have one thing right now what would it be: a brand new itouch. who makes you the happiest right now? right now at this specific moment, Lucas, AKA Jared. What were you doing at midnight last night? on the compooter. Are you left handed? nope What was for dinner tonight? FREE PF changs What is the last thing you thought about? how amanda is freaking sweet for the free food and how aggrivated i get when people tell me to "chill out". raaah. When is your birthday? 8-22 1000 Wanna be rad!

Here's to the nights we felt alive [Thursday May 29th, 2008 1:19pm] Prom was so amazing.  I almost lost my appointment cause I was thirty minutes late but they did the most amazing job. Seriously, I can't tell you how many people came up to me or commented on my pictures. I couldn't be happier with how things turned out. I had to hurry to Rachel's for pictures where I was happy to see my friends and the AMAZING party bus. We snapped photos then hurried on the bus where we immediatly put on music. We were excited, nervous, everything. It was so nice walking in. We were starving! Pasta, chicken, potatoes, salad, mmm. We danced for awhile, got fondu but left as soon as we could. We got DOWN on the bus. We used it for all it was worth. The music was loud, EVERYONE was standing up dancing the ENTIRE time. We rolled through bham and had an  amazing time. While everyone went to Ted's for the afterparty Carissa and I got ice and all the needed stuff. Then we walked in. It was so much fun having all our friends there, playing beer pong, dancing, smoking, talking. I had a great time, minus creepy random dudes. Other than that it was such a successful party. I'm glad we and other people had fun.  The morning after we all went to Leo's... mmmm... Last weekend-  Thursday was my last day of school! I called up Christina and Cali, my coney girls and we got all dressed up and went to The Melting Pot. Later I went to the loft to sleep with my baby. Friday- I picked up J and Amber and went to the St Mary's fair. We found Vyc and Sam and J immediatly left us to play poker with them at the casino tent. Ambs and I went on the swings then they found us. I mentioned how I wanted to win a tiger I saw and Vyc looked at me, looked at the boys and said "I gotta hit an ATM, I need to win her that tiger."  "SO SWEET" I thought. Seriously, the thought itself was enough, I didn't need a stupid tiger after that. But sure enough they tried over and over and over again. Sweet boy :] J, Ambs and I went on this CRAZY ride, crazy mouse. It was soo much fun having my  besties next to me. We went in some fun houses then headed home.  Monday- DEMF Tuesday- Final in the morning, yuk. Then Scriptor banquet! LAST ONE EVER. It was so sad! I won most Scriptor spirit, of course, cause i'm the girl who got her senior pix taken with the damn thing lol.  It was so sad and emotional. Redman basked in all our hardwork. It made me realize how much I've accomplished already and what a great thing I was apart of.  The saddest part was when they announced new editors. Opinion's been my baby the last year. Seeing someone else hold the title felt like I was giving my life away lol. No joke... It's the weirdest thing knowing i'll never have to worry about what article I'm gonna be writing or who will be stuck with the staff ed, can I make deadline, etc. For three years these are things I've had to worry about non stop and now that's all gone. Yeah, yay, whatever, but... I'm so proud of the work I put in and am so sad to say goodbye to the thing that changed my life most in high school. I've never cared about anything in school more than this. This is where I found my calling and I couldn't be more thankful for stumbling in D5 my sophomore year. Corney, I know. Today was my last final. It felt so weird knowing other students were still learning and I was out of that place. I had no obligation to stay, follow rules, etc. It was an amazing feeling. Tonight is honors convocation. I really don't want to go, I think it'll be long and boring and I have nothing to wear and am sleepy. Ugh, tomorrow is grad rehearsal too. I have SO much to do this weekend. I can't believe, I can't stop thinking, after sunday it's all done. No more school related activities. I'M DONE. Just work and grad parties. NOW I can't wait for summer. I was sad at first but it's just around the corner and I can't wait.  Ah, to be a senior... Wanna be rad!

Here we are again, love. Here we go again. [Thursday May 29th, 2008 12:56pm] Boy is home and I've been so happy having him back. I honestly never thought I'd step foot in the loft, see the boys, see my boy, touch him, kiss him or wake up next to him. It's almost like a dream... when you've been waiting and hoping for something to happen and then it just does. The first day he got back it was like one of those movie scenes you see when the couple reunites. Immediatly it's as if things never changed, like we never parted.  We went to DEMF with J, Dave, Deborah, Tony and Rochelle. It was SO amazing! I saw Ari, Ried, Katrina, random people I knew. The music was so sweet. I stood directly infront of the speakers for awhile and was litorally able to feel the sound. As the night continued we ALL were dancing and having a great time. There was a point in the day that was simply amazing, one of the best experiences of my life. It started pouring, and you have to remember this is all outside. There was a huge mainstage where we were at. The music was kept going, as was the storm. In unison the crowd danced together through the pouring rain. Our clothes were soaked, wet hair flipping with each dance move, water dripping from our limbs. It wasn't cold, it wasn't too much or too little... it was timeless. A memory I can never forget. Something I can look back on and say "I did that. I danced in the pouring rain with 5,000 other people and the boy I love at DEMF to music I could litorally feel chill up my spine." We had the most amazing time.  The night continued and we all did our own thing. The last DJ played and the whole crowd watched. Even other DJ's came to watch. The show was to end at midnight but the DJ was on such a roll they let him keep going. Vyc taught me all about spinning as we looked onto the cheering crowd with blue neon colors flashing over them. Each time the DJ switched things up and added a fresh beat the crowd, together, would raise their arms with approval. It was beautiful and so amazing to see. I had the best time and felt so happy and content. I tried to soak it all in as best I could. Having Vyc there meant so much to me.  We walked back to the loft together hand in hand. Later the rest of the gang got together and congregated in Vyc's room. We shared stories, LOTS of laughs then later crashed to get some sleep.  I had the most amazing time with the most amazing people and I'm so thankful to be able to have these experiences. Especially sharing them with someone special.  I hope he stays. Doubtful, but hopeful. Wanna be rad!

You know the night life is just not for me, cause all you really need are a few good friends [Thursday May 8th, 2008 8:28pm]  Scriptor won first in the country... again. I won honorable mention for my suicide article and I can't be more proud. I'm so thankful to have something in my life I'm happy to say I'm apart of. Some people are good at sports, some are creative, good in school, etc. With writing I really feel i've found my niche. I never felt I had anything to offer the world until I joined the staff. Sometimes I look around and wonder if the rest of the staff knows what an impact they make. To be the BEST out of 50 states, thousands of schools... it just celebrates all our hard work. I am so honored to be apart of this.  I went to work and told them the good news. One of the cooks said "Wow, Ashley.. you're really gonna go somewhere in life." Hearing him say that... it just made me realize I'm NOT going to be stuck at the coney island for the rest of my life. I'm destined for something better and if HE can see that in me than I should try to see that as well.  The days are winding down and school's almost over. I can see myself getting all emotional. I've reflected on these past four years and I can honestly say I've spent them well. I've had the love of my life, heartbreak, the greatest friends, nights sneeking out, illegal fireworks, parties, nights finding a toliet seat outside someones house... just silly memorable nights of being a kid that you can never really have again. The idea of graduating is so scarry to me... I'll never see these people who've I've known since I was just a kid. I remember sophomore year when Andrew was graduation I was talking to Jenny about how we're next... I didn't realize then how fast this feeling would come. It seriously feels like just yesterday was spirit week. It's weird thinking "this is the last article I will ever write for the Scriptor" and as much as I say I hate it and as frustrating as it gets, I'm going to miss that room... playing "What if", NOT writing articles, ipod situations, FOOD, Susan sleeping on desks, Cassandra stealing everyone's food, Dzeems lying, our song, Kayla's pot remix, starbucks runs, trying to put "fuck" in an article without people knowing, sneeking in the teachers lounge, racing around the empty school at deadline, playing "throw your shoe", climbing in the window, fighting with Redman.. I'm going to miss it all SO much. Just next week, prom, one more week and that's it... Prom has been such a hassle! We've went through one ride to the next and I FINALLY was offered a good deal since I was so frustrated lol. AND I got my dress. It's perfect. Simple, short and black, just how I wanted. I really can't wait, but I know right after will be the eeeennnnddd of school. SO weird! I MISS BOY. Wanna be rad!

complaining [Thursday May 8th, 2008 8:28pm]  I miss booooy. I miss looooft :[ boooooooo. Wanna be rad!

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